Cloudy with words

They are still as packed now,

but I can’t seem to decipher

They are all over my body

Like the hair and the nail,

They keep on growing

No matter how many times 

I cut them

And I want to let them grow

And grow

So long that you can’t see my skin

Or my eyes

So I don’t have to explain anymore

So that my heart is upon my sleeve

Words

What good are they for?

Do you remember? I bet you do. I do too.

It sucks that we do. Or maybe I am overreacting.

I once told you that I would die for you, but now I don’t even want to cross the road just to see you again. I would still see you by the sun, though.

One way or another, we would be apart.

I would still listen to you mourning.

I would still let you wet my shoulders with your warm tears.

I would still buy you ice cream.

I would still eat the leftovers.

But we both know we would never be as close as those carefree days.

Maybe that was it, and as of why.

It does not matter what I feel.

I was once your moon, but now I am the sun. In my own system.

I’ve never felt so hopeless than I do tonight

Should I turn the switch off? Should I put this to the end?

I can no longer breathe

The weight I carry gets even heavier and I can no longer bear it

It hurts

I don’t know what to do

I’m too tired to keep walking

I’m too far to be walking away

I’m too ashamed to get out of my way to pick another road

The finish line is near

But my legs are rotten from the untreated wound I got along the way

My hands are numb

My vision is blurry

My ears are ringing

I am paralyzed

Can’t you stop for me?

Maybe you shouldn’t

It’s not safe

I carry a virus

It’s been eating my skin

Not even a hyena will have me for lunch

And she’s been starving for days

I smell of death

My heart is still beating, though

Should I smack it?

Should I use what’s left of me to crush it?

My nails are long enough to tear my thin rotten flesh

It should be easier now

If I rest my head, will it gets better when I wake up?

But I can’t bring myself to sleep

Existing is no longer tolerable

Not even for a minute

Angel of death frowns

He said, not today my dear

What else can I do?

Let’s just sit and let out the loudest laugh

So loud it hurts my throat

So wide it rips tiny bit of my cheeks

Still

I can’t hear anything

But the ringing

I found comfort in dark films, stories. Maybe because in some way I can relate to them. I don’t even try to sound pessimistic or anything like that, it’s just I naturally sense and understand it. I do enjoy hopeful and bright tales. Hopeful and bright stories do cheer me up. There is a silent part of me that just observe and listen. It is sad? Yes, and no.

It was saddening to look back on how I developed this piece inside. I would never know if it’s healed or has been left untreated and rotten. I don’t know. The dark films and stories find a way to doors that are invisible at glance, with no complicated routes to follow. It’s natural. I do smile and laugh and appreciate every blessings and littlest piece of love, but it will always continue to coexist with the darker piece. What would I be without it? Would I be in peace without it? Would my life be more at ease without it? Would I like it? Would I be a better person? I don’t know. I don’t have to.

So, if you see me laughing my hearts out, it’s me. And, if by any chance you ever see me gasping for an air while my face is drowning in tears, it’s also me. If you see me with no trace of feelings and emotions, it’s nobody else but me. They are as much as this person. They hold hands as they walk in the streets and merge. I don’t happen to love myself the entire time, but I sure do accept me as a whole.